Hope the Hope Will Die
by Kalli13
Summary: Duo and Heero philosophizing late at night.


Hope the Hope Will Die  
  
Standard disclaimers apply.   
  
Warning: Angst. Shounen-ai. Lots of angst.  
  
Notes: Just it me. Blame it on Shadow.   
  
"..." is dialogue   
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------  
  
I sit lonely on the balcony, lost in my own dark thoughts.   
My life's sap runs strong in my veins, carrying the life   
I wish I could forsake.   
  
"Duo?" A husky tenor asks. I don't look back to see who   
it is, I know it to be my Japanese comrade.   
  
"Yeah?" I chide myself. My very voice potrays my mental   
state, the usually orange tone of insanity painted bleak   
on the air.   
  
"Are you alright?" He stands behind me, closer then I think   
I want right now. Distantly I feel surprised at his concern,   
but I suppose my behavior could warrent that. Usually I try   
to hide it inward. The sky is black silk, highlighted with   
stars. So beautiful, so far away, so cold. Like him.   
  
"Do you ever..." I trail off. It seems like no one will ever  
understand. There is a trace of my own arrogence in that,   
because I find myself thinking I'm superior in my suffering.   
I brush back a stray honey-colered bang. I wish I could   
regain some of my old humor. It hides me from myself as   
much as from everyone else. "Please leave."   
  
"No," he states simply. If I was more sure in my own thinking   
I would scream at him, yell that he'll never understand me,   
my thoughts, my feelings, my self-hate and arrogence and   
bitter hope... But I can't. I feel too tired, like I can't   
move at all.   
  
"Why the hell do you care?" I ask tersly. I want him to fill   
the void in me with his caring. But he won't. He'll make me   
fill it myself, that's why I love the bastard. "Just go away."   
  
"What were you going to say?" I feel disconcerted, then I   
remember. I don't speak for a while, listen to the ocean   
lapping at the shores, the faint laughter and talking of   
the students in the school we're staying at. Anything but   
my thoughts.   
  
"Do you ever think about the point of existence? Why there's   
a will... I feel so feckin' normal asking this, we are   
teenagers..." I turn my head into my shoulder. Great.   
He'll think I'm not determined now. Though I do want   
his thoughts on the matter.   
  
"Yes. I start to think about it, but try to stop myself.   
It's a bad topic for a soldier to think about," He says   
flatly, though I detect a hint of wry humor in his voice.   
He sits down beside me, and I shiver.   
  
"True. I'm not really the best soldier. Good pilot,   
bad soldier... There's so much weighing in. Even strong   
things break, after a while... Do you ever think you'll   
break?" I play with my braid absently.   
  
"No. I have things to ground me. Find some." He says it   
lightly, almost, like it should be no surprise.   
  
"Like what? Religion? Religion has royally fucked me   
Heero. God, so comforting. Helping you, and in almost   
any religion you have a purpose that you're born with.   
What's mine?" I laugh bitterly. "To kill?"   
  
"No. To bring peace to a war-torn world. To... live.   
Why do you really need a purpose?" He cocks his head,   
as if perplexed. I realize with a start that he beleives   
that. He lives each day like his last, why would he need   
a purpose...   
  
"I suppose you're right, in a way. There's always a sacrifice,   
right? Yeah. Shouldn't be in vain." I say it listlessly, offhand.   
It sounds true, if derpressing.   
  
"You're not a sacrifce. Your, our death... is not guarenteed.   
Live, Duo. Why are you so afraid? Why don't you go deeper into   
life?" I wince, and he sighs. I always seem to forget that   
Heero's an intuitive guy, he's always watching. One doesn't   
notice the shy ones, I guess.   
  
"Hypocrite," I hiss lowly. Heero just stared at me, I could   
feel it on the side of my neck. I turn slowly to him,   
and stormy blue eyes lock with deep indigo. "'Cause   
death will always come for them. Or me."   
  
"So? Life is not worth it if you don't live it. Pain is   
irrelevent." Gods, that's so him. Got a point, if one I   
don't feel like recognizing.   
  
"Aa," I whispered. My eyes burn a little, as if staring   
into the the blue of Heero's soul could sear into my mind.   
"Aa."   
  
  
  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Hee hee.  
  
-Kalli  



End file.
